By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Cedric_Benson]Cedric Benson
When people assume the worst, they can actually make the worst a self-fulfilling prophecy. Catastrophic thinking negatively impacts a marriage in several ways. It is important to learn to recognize any catastrophic thoughts you may have and how to replace them with more realistic thoughts.
No one has a crystal ball that can accurately predict the future. However, people who tend to have catastrophic thoughts predict that something bad will happen. Catastrophic thinking can become a bad habit for some people, and often, they aren't even aware that they are doing it.
Jeremy's catastrophic thoughts drove his wife, Angela, crazy. She said that when they were tight on money he started talking about bankruptcy. When they argued, he would say he just knows they'll get divorced. When she doesn't want to go fishing with him, he says they are growing apart. When he suspects his company is having financial problems, he talks about getting laid off. Jeremy's thoughts show a pattern of catastrophic thinking.
Catastrophic thoughts can have other negative effects, besides just annoying your partner. If you expect something bad happen, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is because people's behaviors change based on their thoughts.
When Jeremy starts to envision that his family is going to go bankrupt, he starts putting less effort into saving money and paying the bills. When he presumes that he and Angela will get divorced, he puts less effort into solving their problems. He figures, "why bother if it will end in divorce no matter what?" He puts less effort into his job when he thinks he will get laid off. In fact, he starts using some of his work hours to look for jobs online. This increases the likelihood that he may actually be fired from his job.
When people are always looking out for the worst case scenario, they often look for more evidence that supports their theory. For example, if Jeremy believes that he and Angela will get divorced, he reinforces this thought whenever they argue. He views any disagreements as further evidence that their marriage is ending.
Catastrophic thinking also makes people ignore contrary evidence. Whenever Jeremy and his wife are getting along well he doesn't really notice. When they solve problems easily, he brushes it off. When they do have enough money to pay the bills he doesn't pay attention or attributes it to "good luck this month." He only pays attention to the things that he uses to support his thoughts.
People often tend to have catastrophic thoughts due to unresolved issues from the past. Past hurts can often lead people to think it is safer to expect the worst rather than hope for the best. Attitudes such as "nothing good ever happens to me" or "people who love me always leave" often cause catastrophic thoughts.
Jeremy had grown up with a single mother and money was always tight. He had been told from a young age, "your father abandoned us." He was bullied at school for his small stature. He dropped out of high school before graduating because he wasn't doing well academically. As an adult, he felt like he was lucky to have found Angela but was always waiting for "the other shoe to drop." He knew that good things didn't seem to happen to him and felt he was destined to have a difficult life.
If you tend to have a lot of catastrophic thoughts, it is important to recognize them. This is a very important first step, as many people underestimate how catastrophic their thinking is. Then it is important to learn how to try and evaluate the truth more objectively. For example asking yourself, "If I missed one bill this month, what's the evidence that I'll go bankrupt?" and then ask, "what's the evidence that I won't go bankrupt?"
It can also be helpful to ask yourself, "what would I say to a friend who came to me with his problem?" Most people tend to much kinder to a friend than themselves. For example, if a friend said she missed paying a bill would you say to her, "You're going to go bankrupt now?" Probably not. Perhaps you'd say something more like, "everyone misses a bill every once in a while. It isn't the end of the world." Learn how to take your own advice.
If you have unresolved problems in your past, consider therapy as an option to help you overcome them. It is important to resolve past issues in order to help have a healthy relationship with your partner now. Couples counseling can also help you deal with catastrophic thoughts if they are impacting your marriage.
For information on acquiring help for your marital problems please visit [http://family-marriage-counseling.com/]http://family-marriage-counseling.com/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Catastrophic-Thinking-and-Marital-Problems&id=6652509] Catastrophic Thinking and Marital Problems
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tips That Can Save Your Marriage From Divorce
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Jennica_Grey]Jennica Grey
Nowadays, couples face divorce more often than ever. Here are some of the most common problems that are causes for divorce and tips on how to save your marriage from these common causes.
Career-centeredness / Overworking
Careers are often factors that undermine relationships. Insufficient commitment to your partner by being too busy to spend time with him or her, or lashing out on your partner due to problems at work are often the cause of alienation. It is very important that you spend as much time together as much as possible. When you do, don't talk about anything else expect you two and your feelings. Avoid topics that may cause an argument and do not trouble your partner. If you think that it is already too late for you, because you haven't devoted enough attention to him or her, remember that time heals all wounds. You need to persevere and be prepared to compromise.
Excessive competitiveness
A neighbor bought a new car, and so did you the next week, although in fact the old one had nothing missing. Did you ever do anything like that? Excessive competition and money spending can easily result in fights. Especially if something you bought prevented your partner from getting something he or she wanted or needed.
Sharing and decision-making are very important in marriage. Not only will your partner be aware that you care for his or her opinion, but you will also spend more time together, when purchasing a new car, on vacation... That time is precious, especially if you normally do not have much time for myself.
Divorcing is easy
Once, there was much less divorce and it was frowned upon by the society. Today, it is quite common. Divorce is accepted as the easiest option to solve the problem, not as a last resort. Friends, family members, and neighbors advised couples to stay in a relationship, today that is exactly the opposite. Friends many times support and encourage divorce. Anyway, think twice before divorcing. Is it because of the current feelings of anger, a problem your partner is experiencing or have you completely stopped loving him or her? Sometimes it turns out that with a little perseverance you can work the current issues out
The sexual revolution
Like divorce, cheating was once much more frowned upon. In most places in the world, people today do not dare to cheat the other person, but in some countries where there is no legal punishment for cheating, it spread rapidly. A man who does not cheat is considered a wimp in the modern world. You must know that it is rare for a couple to be able to bridge the gap between them after one of the people is known to have cheated. Even if you stay together, there will always be questions.
These reasons are one of the many who contribute to the high number of divorces. If you promise to, and do everything in your hands to prevent a divorce, you can still never be sure that you will succeed but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.
To learn more about the best ways to save marriage, go to WaysToSaveMarriage.net.
The site provides [http://waystosavemarriage.net/marriage-tips-advice]save marriage tips on how to deal with infidelity, and difficulties in [http://waystosavemarriage.net/finances-and-marriage]finances and marriage
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Tips-That-Can-Save-Your-Marriage-From-Divorce&id=6651627] Tips That Can Save Your Marriage From Divorce
Nowadays, couples face divorce more often than ever. Here are some of the most common problems that are causes for divorce and tips on how to save your marriage from these common causes.
Career-centeredness / Overworking
Careers are often factors that undermine relationships. Insufficient commitment to your partner by being too busy to spend time with him or her, or lashing out on your partner due to problems at work are often the cause of alienation. It is very important that you spend as much time together as much as possible. When you do, don't talk about anything else expect you two and your feelings. Avoid topics that may cause an argument and do not trouble your partner. If you think that it is already too late for you, because you haven't devoted enough attention to him or her, remember that time heals all wounds. You need to persevere and be prepared to compromise.
Excessive competitiveness
A neighbor bought a new car, and so did you the next week, although in fact the old one had nothing missing. Did you ever do anything like that? Excessive competition and money spending can easily result in fights. Especially if something you bought prevented your partner from getting something he or she wanted or needed.
Sharing and decision-making are very important in marriage. Not only will your partner be aware that you care for his or her opinion, but you will also spend more time together, when purchasing a new car, on vacation... That time is precious, especially if you normally do not have much time for myself.
Divorcing is easy
Once, there was much less divorce and it was frowned upon by the society. Today, it is quite common. Divorce is accepted as the easiest option to solve the problem, not as a last resort. Friends, family members, and neighbors advised couples to stay in a relationship, today that is exactly the opposite. Friends many times support and encourage divorce. Anyway, think twice before divorcing. Is it because of the current feelings of anger, a problem your partner is experiencing or have you completely stopped loving him or her? Sometimes it turns out that with a little perseverance you can work the current issues out
The sexual revolution
Like divorce, cheating was once much more frowned upon. In most places in the world, people today do not dare to cheat the other person, but in some countries where there is no legal punishment for cheating, it spread rapidly. A man who does not cheat is considered a wimp in the modern world. You must know that it is rare for a couple to be able to bridge the gap between them after one of the people is known to have cheated. Even if you stay together, there will always be questions.
These reasons are one of the many who contribute to the high number of divorces. If you promise to, and do everything in your hands to prevent a divorce, you can still never be sure that you will succeed but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.
To learn more about the best ways to save marriage, go to WaysToSaveMarriage.net.
The site provides [http://waystosavemarriage.net/marriage-tips-advice]save marriage tips on how to deal with infidelity, and difficulties in [http://waystosavemarriage.net/finances-and-marriage]finances and marriage
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Tips-That-Can-Save-Your-Marriage-From-Divorce&id=6651627] Tips That Can Save Your Marriage From Divorce
Monday, November 21, 2011
We're Separated And I Just Found Out My Husband Is Seeing Someone Else - What Now?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Leslie_Cane]Leslie Cane
I often hear from people (usually wives) who are beside themselves because they have recently learned that their separated spouse is seeing someone else. Often, they were still holding out some hope that they could save their marriage, so they aren't sure how to react to this.
I heard from a wife who said: "my husband asked for a separation about seven months ago. I definitely didn't want one, but I agreed to it only because it was clear that it was either going to be a separation or divorce. He's living in an apartment about five miles away. We're stayed in touch throughout this process. I was hoping we would go to counseling, but we haven't. All along, my husband has been very private about how he was living his life. When I would ask about his romantic life, he would make it clear that this topic is off limits. Yesterday, one of my friends called me and said that she saw my husband out on a date with someone else. When my friend approached him, he introduced her to this other woman as if it were the most natural thing in the world. What am I supposed to do now? I still want to save my marriage. But how is that going to be possible when there is a new woman in his life? Should I confront him? Should I pretend I have someone else to make him jealous? Should I try to break them up? What is the best way to handle this?"
I know that this can be a very challenging hurdle. But it's very important that you keep this in perspective and not overreact, which I will discuss below.
Don't Make His Seeing Someone Else More Than It Is: I know it's very easy to assume that once your husband begins dating again, you have lost him for good. But honestly, the wife in this situation didn't yet know how serious the relationship was. She didn't even know if what the friend witnessed was a romantic date. And even if it was, a date or two certainly doesn't mean that the husband was going to end up marrying the other woman. Plus, it's not unusual for husbands to make the attempt to start dating again only to come to the conclusion that no one holds a candle to his wife and that all these attempts at dating are really attempts to replace her - which isn't even possible.
But if you panic, overreact, suddenly start making all sorts of demands or begin behaving negatively then you actually decrease the odds of him realizing it's you he wants. So, to the extent that you can, try not to overreact and attempt to keep this in perspective. A couple of dates don't have to mean anything.
Should You Date In Order To Make Him Jealous? Should You Try To Break Them Up?: The wife in this situation was tempted to try to find out more about the other woman and then come up with a plan meant to break them up. This so rarely works out well. Often, the husband will end up resenting the intrusion and will end up defending her just to spite you. Really, you don't want to set it up so that you are on opposing sides of your husband.
The decision about dating someone else is one that you yourself will have to make. I was never able to do this because I was still very invested in my husband and in saving my marriage. I felt as if this would have been living a lie. I felt like it would not only fake posturing, but a bad idea as well. That's not to say that I didn't sometimes neglect to tell my husband where I was or who I was with so that he would wonder. But I always stopped short of claiming relationships that didn't exist.
How Are You Supposed To Save Your Marriage When He's Seeing Someone Else Or Starting To Date Again?: You have to see your marriage and his life outside of you as two separate things. You can't allow your own fears and insecurities to place a dark cloud over your interactions with your husband.
And even if he does have a life outside of your marriage, there will be times when you will need to interact with him. When this time comes, make sure you remain positive and upbeat. Make sure you are pleasurable to be around. And as tempting as it may be, do not dwell on or demand answers about the other person. It's very important that you make your interactions about the two of you - not about him and someone else. Give the impression that you are confident that he will eventually come to realize who and what he wants and that someone is going to be you.
I know that you may well doubt this right now, but believe me when I say it's somewhat rare for the first person a man dates during a separation to end up being "the one." And quite frankly, if you are able to reconnect with him during the separation and make small improvements that lead up to big ones, there's every chance that you are still "the one" for him. And if this is so, the natural progression of things is to save your marriage so that in the end, you don't even need to worry about her.
I had my suspicions that my husband was seeing other people during our separation. He would never admit to this and the thought of him with someone else drove me crazy. But it wasn't until I placed his focus on him and myself and stopped worrying so much about external factors that things began to change for the better. Because of my shift in focus, we eventually did [http://isavedmymarriage.com]save our marriage. You can read the whole emotional story on my blog at [http://isavedmymarriage.com/]http://isavedmymarriage.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Were-Separated-And-I-Just-Found-Out-My-Husband-Is-Seeing-Someone-Else---What-Now?&id=6653645] We're Separated And I Just Found Out My Husband Is Seeing Someone Else - What Now?
I often hear from people (usually wives) who are beside themselves because they have recently learned that their separated spouse is seeing someone else. Often, they were still holding out some hope that they could save their marriage, so they aren't sure how to react to this.
I heard from a wife who said: "my husband asked for a separation about seven months ago. I definitely didn't want one, but I agreed to it only because it was clear that it was either going to be a separation or divorce. He's living in an apartment about five miles away. We're stayed in touch throughout this process. I was hoping we would go to counseling, but we haven't. All along, my husband has been very private about how he was living his life. When I would ask about his romantic life, he would make it clear that this topic is off limits. Yesterday, one of my friends called me and said that she saw my husband out on a date with someone else. When my friend approached him, he introduced her to this other woman as if it were the most natural thing in the world. What am I supposed to do now? I still want to save my marriage. But how is that going to be possible when there is a new woman in his life? Should I confront him? Should I pretend I have someone else to make him jealous? Should I try to break them up? What is the best way to handle this?"
I know that this can be a very challenging hurdle. But it's very important that you keep this in perspective and not overreact, which I will discuss below.
Don't Make His Seeing Someone Else More Than It Is: I know it's very easy to assume that once your husband begins dating again, you have lost him for good. But honestly, the wife in this situation didn't yet know how serious the relationship was. She didn't even know if what the friend witnessed was a romantic date. And even if it was, a date or two certainly doesn't mean that the husband was going to end up marrying the other woman. Plus, it's not unusual for husbands to make the attempt to start dating again only to come to the conclusion that no one holds a candle to his wife and that all these attempts at dating are really attempts to replace her - which isn't even possible.
But if you panic, overreact, suddenly start making all sorts of demands or begin behaving negatively then you actually decrease the odds of him realizing it's you he wants. So, to the extent that you can, try not to overreact and attempt to keep this in perspective. A couple of dates don't have to mean anything.
Should You Date In Order To Make Him Jealous? Should You Try To Break Them Up?: The wife in this situation was tempted to try to find out more about the other woman and then come up with a plan meant to break them up. This so rarely works out well. Often, the husband will end up resenting the intrusion and will end up defending her just to spite you. Really, you don't want to set it up so that you are on opposing sides of your husband.
The decision about dating someone else is one that you yourself will have to make. I was never able to do this because I was still very invested in my husband and in saving my marriage. I felt as if this would have been living a lie. I felt like it would not only fake posturing, but a bad idea as well. That's not to say that I didn't sometimes neglect to tell my husband where I was or who I was with so that he would wonder. But I always stopped short of claiming relationships that didn't exist.
How Are You Supposed To Save Your Marriage When He's Seeing Someone Else Or Starting To Date Again?: You have to see your marriage and his life outside of you as two separate things. You can't allow your own fears and insecurities to place a dark cloud over your interactions with your husband.
And even if he does have a life outside of your marriage, there will be times when you will need to interact with him. When this time comes, make sure you remain positive and upbeat. Make sure you are pleasurable to be around. And as tempting as it may be, do not dwell on or demand answers about the other person. It's very important that you make your interactions about the two of you - not about him and someone else. Give the impression that you are confident that he will eventually come to realize who and what he wants and that someone is going to be you.
I know that you may well doubt this right now, but believe me when I say it's somewhat rare for the first person a man dates during a separation to end up being "the one." And quite frankly, if you are able to reconnect with him during the separation and make small improvements that lead up to big ones, there's every chance that you are still "the one" for him. And if this is so, the natural progression of things is to save your marriage so that in the end, you don't even need to worry about her.
I had my suspicions that my husband was seeing other people during our separation. He would never admit to this and the thought of him with someone else drove me crazy. But it wasn't until I placed his focus on him and myself and stopped worrying so much about external factors that things began to change for the better. Because of my shift in focus, we eventually did [http://isavedmymarriage.com]save our marriage. You can read the whole emotional story on my blog at [http://isavedmymarriage.com/]http://isavedmymarriage.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Were-Separated-And-I-Just-Found-Out-My-Husband-Is-Seeing-Someone-Else---What-Now?&id=6653645] We're Separated And I Just Found Out My Husband Is Seeing Someone Else - What Now?
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Ways You Can Tell If Marriage Counseling Will Work For You
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Kristie_Brown]Kristie Brown
If you're finding your marriage to not be quite as satisfying as it once was, and if you've even been tempted to cheat on your spouse or seek a divorce, you well may be looking for magic answers that can repair your marriage as well as your spirits. You already know there are professional counselors out there who claim they can help you, but you know other couples who have tried counseling and found out it just didn't work for them. Before you spend the money investing in counseling sessions yourself which may or may not work, there are a few points you need to consider.
Certain scenarios will definitely tell you that counseling isn't going to help your marriage. Even though you really do need support from an outside party, if your spouse refuses to participate or is likely to give false information if he or she does take part in the sessions, then all the counseling in the world isn't going to save your marriage. Both of you need to actively participate and be truthful if the trained professional is going to be able to help you. If you feel that both you and your spouse are sincerely committed to righting the wrongs in your relationship, then it's a good time for you to seek counseling.
Prior to making an appointment with a counselor, you want to do some research into that person's background. Are they experienced? What is their success rate? If you run into a bad counselor or two, don't give up. There are lots of good ones out there, and if you keep trying, you will find one who can help. Friends, acquaintances, and relatives are often good sources of the information you are seeking. Since your marriage is already in trouble, you definitely don't want to add bad counseling to the mix.
Don't let the fact that you are unable to pay the $50 - $100 dollar per hour fee a counselor will charge discourage you. Counselors realize that not every couple who is having marital difficulties can afford to pay that much. To that end, many of them have written self-help books that couples can use to learn the techniques to save their marriages. You can even find numerous ebooks online that will give you the information you are seeking. Some of these ebooks are free, and others will cost you a small fee. Some even come with videos portraying the use of the various recommended techniques. It's going to take some hard work, but you can definitely save your marriage if you want it badly enough.
Get 8 hours of live marriage coaching and proven marriage advice that really works at: [http://youcansavethismarriage.com/media.html]marriage expert or here: [http://youcansavethismarriage.com/media.html]relationship expert.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Ways-You-Can-Tell-If-Marriage-Counseling-Will-Work-For-You&id=6651510] Ways You Can Tell If Marriage Counseling Will Work For You
If you're finding your marriage to not be quite as satisfying as it once was, and if you've even been tempted to cheat on your spouse or seek a divorce, you well may be looking for magic answers that can repair your marriage as well as your spirits. You already know there are professional counselors out there who claim they can help you, but you know other couples who have tried counseling and found out it just didn't work for them. Before you spend the money investing in counseling sessions yourself which may or may not work, there are a few points you need to consider.
Certain scenarios will definitely tell you that counseling isn't going to help your marriage. Even though you really do need support from an outside party, if your spouse refuses to participate or is likely to give false information if he or she does take part in the sessions, then all the counseling in the world isn't going to save your marriage. Both of you need to actively participate and be truthful if the trained professional is going to be able to help you. If you feel that both you and your spouse are sincerely committed to righting the wrongs in your relationship, then it's a good time for you to seek counseling.
Prior to making an appointment with a counselor, you want to do some research into that person's background. Are they experienced? What is their success rate? If you run into a bad counselor or two, don't give up. There are lots of good ones out there, and if you keep trying, you will find one who can help. Friends, acquaintances, and relatives are often good sources of the information you are seeking. Since your marriage is already in trouble, you definitely don't want to add bad counseling to the mix.
Don't let the fact that you are unable to pay the $50 - $100 dollar per hour fee a counselor will charge discourage you. Counselors realize that not every couple who is having marital difficulties can afford to pay that much. To that end, many of them have written self-help books that couples can use to learn the techniques to save their marriages. You can even find numerous ebooks online that will give you the information you are seeking. Some of these ebooks are free, and others will cost you a small fee. Some even come with videos portraying the use of the various recommended techniques. It's going to take some hard work, but you can definitely save your marriage if you want it badly enough.
Get 8 hours of live marriage coaching and proven marriage advice that really works at: [http://youcansavethismarriage.com/media.html]marriage expert or here: [http://youcansavethismarriage.com/media.html]relationship expert.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Ways-You-Can-Tell-If-Marriage-Counseling-Will-Work-For-You&id=6651510] Ways You Can Tell If Marriage Counseling Will Work For You
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Marriage or Divorce?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Daveda_Gruber]Daveda Gruber
Marriage is the unity of two people. I am married for the third time. I sometimes wonder if marriage is right for me. Three strikes and you are out, maybe it applies. I am not getting divorced but I am concerned.
My first marriage was a disaster. My husband was physically abusive. He hurt me many times. I will not mention his name but he is a public figure living in the Bahamas so he doesn't have to pay income tax. We were married for ten years and had one child very early in the marriage. She is now dead.
My eldest daughter saw far too much abuse and her father lied to her after the divorce and made her believe that I did not really love her. I found out from her after she was eighteen that her father has sexually abused her at the age of seventeen. I wanted to press charges against him but my daughter had a fit and said she would testify that I was lying.
Lanie, my daughter got into an abusive relationship. This time it was mentally abusive with a man old enough to be her father. I rescued her and brought her to live with me. I had divorced my second husband by then.
I guess you could say that my second husband appeared to be a good man. Slowly, he started to ignore me and did not want intimate relations since I had said no to anymore children. My second daughter was born when I was thirty-eight and my son was born sixteen months later. He then told me not to wait to eat dinner with him. He would rather read a book while eating. He preferred that to my company.
That marriage ended and my younger children were poisoned by the way my second ex-husband spoke of me. He is a lawyer and got joint custody.
Sometimes I think back and wonder if I just should have stuck with the marriage until the children were eighteen and I had instilled certain virtues in their lives. That fact will probably stay with me until I die because my children want nothing to do with me. Why should they? 'Mr. Lawyer' has the money to pay for the top university for them and supply them with expensive cars. I could not have done that on my own. Isn't that the way our youth thinks? Well my younger two do and the eldest took her own life because of deeds her father had done.
That leads me to my third marriage. I left Canada and became a resident, then a permanent resident and finally a citizen of the United States to be married to this man. I sold my house and left my friends and family. I brought money into my new marriage. You would think that would make my husband a happy man.
This third husband gets involved in his own thoughts and I have been called just a (insert 'bad word' here) Canadian. I am an American now. He did not comfort me when my mother died this past June. By the way, he did not love his mother. He has blamed the fact that she was in a wheel chair and not opted for surgery on his father's death. Once in a while he'll be sorry about how he treats me and hug me and say, "Let's start all over from now."
'Now' does not last long. He says I act like a man. I believe that if I do not agree with him, he feels I am acting tough. He wants to be manly and talk above me at times. He will interrupt me and just talk. He talks to our cleaning lady and I want her to clean. If I make a comment to him on that issue he yells at me saying, "I pay for her to clean; I'll talk as much as I want!"
I have looked up bi-polar and that seems to sum up what my husband is. His behavior is not normal. I don't believe that one leaves a spouse because of an illness. Now, it is up to me to convince him that he has a problem. I have already seen a list of his abnormalities on his desk. Maybe he is looking them up.
My husband speaks kindly to everyone in our lives. I am the only one who he is not nice to most of the time. Well, maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, some of the time may be more correct. Could it be I am just feeling sorry for him? You never know.
This game of marriage can be very tricky. I feel like I should have waited on the second divorce and now I am very hesitant about divorce in general. I am sick of starting all over. I have done it too many times. Now I have become the kind of wife who just disappears into her work and if I hear bad remarks I brush them off my shoulder unless I am writing about them.
I am the owner of Publishing with Passion and Poetry with Passion as well as, author of fifteen books including: "My Blonde World," "Magical Moments," "Bruised but Not Beaten," "Death of a Daughter," "Steelers Cheers," "Red Barn and Other Short Stories," "Cling to the Magic Mere Mortals," "The Blonde Who Found Jesus," "A Blonde View of Life," "Tales of a Tiny Dog," "More Tales of a Tiny Dog," "Castle of Ice," "More Snapshots from my Family Album" and "Snapshots a Blonde View." I am a professional graphic art designer and I produce professional video productions and design websites. http://davedagruber.com http://publishingwithpassion.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Marriage-or-Divorce?&id=6644239] Marriage or Divorce?
Marriage is the unity of two people. I am married for the third time. I sometimes wonder if marriage is right for me. Three strikes and you are out, maybe it applies. I am not getting divorced but I am concerned.
My first marriage was a disaster. My husband was physically abusive. He hurt me many times. I will not mention his name but he is a public figure living in the Bahamas so he doesn't have to pay income tax. We were married for ten years and had one child very early in the marriage. She is now dead.
My eldest daughter saw far too much abuse and her father lied to her after the divorce and made her believe that I did not really love her. I found out from her after she was eighteen that her father has sexually abused her at the age of seventeen. I wanted to press charges against him but my daughter had a fit and said she would testify that I was lying.
Lanie, my daughter got into an abusive relationship. This time it was mentally abusive with a man old enough to be her father. I rescued her and brought her to live with me. I had divorced my second husband by then.
I guess you could say that my second husband appeared to be a good man. Slowly, he started to ignore me and did not want intimate relations since I had said no to anymore children. My second daughter was born when I was thirty-eight and my son was born sixteen months later. He then told me not to wait to eat dinner with him. He would rather read a book while eating. He preferred that to my company.
That marriage ended and my younger children were poisoned by the way my second ex-husband spoke of me. He is a lawyer and got joint custody.
Sometimes I think back and wonder if I just should have stuck with the marriage until the children were eighteen and I had instilled certain virtues in their lives. That fact will probably stay with me until I die because my children want nothing to do with me. Why should they? 'Mr. Lawyer' has the money to pay for the top university for them and supply them with expensive cars. I could not have done that on my own. Isn't that the way our youth thinks? Well my younger two do and the eldest took her own life because of deeds her father had done.
That leads me to my third marriage. I left Canada and became a resident, then a permanent resident and finally a citizen of the United States to be married to this man. I sold my house and left my friends and family. I brought money into my new marriage. You would think that would make my husband a happy man.
This third husband gets involved in his own thoughts and I have been called just a (insert 'bad word' here) Canadian. I am an American now. He did not comfort me when my mother died this past June. By the way, he did not love his mother. He has blamed the fact that she was in a wheel chair and not opted for surgery on his father's death. Once in a while he'll be sorry about how he treats me and hug me and say, "Let's start all over from now."
'Now' does not last long. He says I act like a man. I believe that if I do not agree with him, he feels I am acting tough. He wants to be manly and talk above me at times. He will interrupt me and just talk. He talks to our cleaning lady and I want her to clean. If I make a comment to him on that issue he yells at me saying, "I pay for her to clean; I'll talk as much as I want!"
I have looked up bi-polar and that seems to sum up what my husband is. His behavior is not normal. I don't believe that one leaves a spouse because of an illness. Now, it is up to me to convince him that he has a problem. I have already seen a list of his abnormalities on his desk. Maybe he is looking them up.
My husband speaks kindly to everyone in our lives. I am the only one who he is not nice to most of the time. Well, maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, some of the time may be more correct. Could it be I am just feeling sorry for him? You never know.
This game of marriage can be very tricky. I feel like I should have waited on the second divorce and now I am very hesitant about divorce in general. I am sick of starting all over. I have done it too many times. Now I have become the kind of wife who just disappears into her work and if I hear bad remarks I brush them off my shoulder unless I am writing about them.
I am the owner of Publishing with Passion and Poetry with Passion as well as, author of fifteen books including: "My Blonde World," "Magical Moments," "Bruised but Not Beaten," "Death of a Daughter," "Steelers Cheers," "Red Barn and Other Short Stories," "Cling to the Magic Mere Mortals," "The Blonde Who Found Jesus," "A Blonde View of Life," "Tales of a Tiny Dog," "More Tales of a Tiny Dog," "Castle of Ice," "More Snapshots from my Family Album" and "Snapshots a Blonde View." I am a professional graphic art designer and I produce professional video productions and design websites. http://davedagruber.com http://publishingwithpassion.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Marriage-or-Divorce?&id=6644239] Marriage or Divorce?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Cow-Chip Throwing And Relevancy In A Good Marriage
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Lon_Roland]Lon Roland
Whether you are tossing around the old manure or just flinging the bull... in a good marriage... something is bound to grow. Of course that can be a good or a bad thing.
"It's a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can."�George Bernard Shaw
What is marriage or in this case what is the agronomy of a good marriage that continues to grow. Just like a well placed or designed garden, you need a good catalyst or fertilizer properly administered to get those blooming good results.
The showpiece of a well groomed paradise doesn't take a lot, but the fact is that you do need something to make certain things happen. In a marriage it's no different for making the relationship thrive and grow to it's full potential. After all, our end result is to bear much fruit... the good stuff that keeps on producing year after year. Much like our 30 plus years thus far.
Now, as far as the cow-chip throwing part goes, it's like any good thing you do in the world of gardening... you gotta get down and into the heart of the matter with getting your hands into it.
Whoa there big fella you say. Are you saying get your hands into cow-chips? What's going on here? How does this apply to what a marriage is?
Don't let me lose you here.
Tossing or throwing cow-chips was a fun thing to do as kid in a part of the country that boasted a lot of dairies and dairy cows.
No, I was not raised on a farm and there is certainly nothing wrong with being a farmer and raising and milking dairy cows or any other cow that produces a nice flat chip for throwing. It's precisely thinking like that that can cause problems in a marriage... but I digress.
Whether making mud pies after a spring rain or having crawdad (crayfish) races or tossing cow-chips... as a young inventor of playtime fun left to his own devices...let's just say you find things to do to occupy your time and talents. And cow-chip throwing was just one of those things.
Ha!... now it's a "sport" at county fairs and such and right up there with spittin' watermelon seeds!
As they say... if you haven't tried it... don't knock it. The same with a good marriage.
Whether you're slinging the bull and doing all the bad stuff that gets you into total conflict all the time with your spouse or just having fun and playfully tossing cow-chips, it does take a special art or talent to handle the manure that comes into the marriage picture.
You take that same manure and spread it around your garden paradise and carefully plant what you want to grow, you will be very pleasantly surprised at the things that comprise you marital estate.
When you or anyone else looks upon your garden of a marriage and all the nurturing that you've put into it, you and they will see and understand the things that it took to grow it the way it was intended.
Now. About cow-chip tea. Don't even get me started!
-Lon-
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Cow-Chip-Throwing-And-Relevancy-In-A-Good-Marriage&id=6644072] Cow-Chip Throwing And Relevancy In A Good Marriage
Whether you are tossing around the old manure or just flinging the bull... in a good marriage... something is bound to grow. Of course that can be a good or a bad thing.
"It's a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can."�George Bernard Shaw
What is marriage or in this case what is the agronomy of a good marriage that continues to grow. Just like a well placed or designed garden, you need a good catalyst or fertilizer properly administered to get those blooming good results.
The showpiece of a well groomed paradise doesn't take a lot, but the fact is that you do need something to make certain things happen. In a marriage it's no different for making the relationship thrive and grow to it's full potential. After all, our end result is to bear much fruit... the good stuff that keeps on producing year after year. Much like our 30 plus years thus far.
Now, as far as the cow-chip throwing part goes, it's like any good thing you do in the world of gardening... you gotta get down and into the heart of the matter with getting your hands into it.
Whoa there big fella you say. Are you saying get your hands into cow-chips? What's going on here? How does this apply to what a marriage is?
Don't let me lose you here.
Tossing or throwing cow-chips was a fun thing to do as kid in a part of the country that boasted a lot of dairies and dairy cows.
No, I was not raised on a farm and there is certainly nothing wrong with being a farmer and raising and milking dairy cows or any other cow that produces a nice flat chip for throwing. It's precisely thinking like that that can cause problems in a marriage... but I digress.
Whether making mud pies after a spring rain or having crawdad (crayfish) races or tossing cow-chips... as a young inventor of playtime fun left to his own devices...let's just say you find things to do to occupy your time and talents. And cow-chip throwing was just one of those things.
Ha!... now it's a "sport" at county fairs and such and right up there with spittin' watermelon seeds!
As they say... if you haven't tried it... don't knock it. The same with a good marriage.
Whether you're slinging the bull and doing all the bad stuff that gets you into total conflict all the time with your spouse or just having fun and playfully tossing cow-chips, it does take a special art or talent to handle the manure that comes into the marriage picture.
You take that same manure and spread it around your garden paradise and carefully plant what you want to grow, you will be very pleasantly surprised at the things that comprise you marital estate.
When you or anyone else looks upon your garden of a marriage and all the nurturing that you've put into it, you and they will see and understand the things that it took to grow it the way it was intended.
Now. About cow-chip tea. Don't even get me started!
-Lon-
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Cow-Chip-Throwing-And-Relevancy-In-A-Good-Marriage&id=6644072] Cow-Chip Throwing And Relevancy In A Good Marriage
Sunday, November 13, 2011
What Complaints Husbands Have About Their Wives - Survey Results
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Benson_Ndaji]Benson Ndaji
God who established this age-long relationship called marriage did not make any mistake. Rather He saw the rich benefits and made this relationship to exist. Whatever that has been going wrong in this relationship is the fault of man. God knows what is good for His creations. It is the fall of Adam that brought complexities in man such that what should have been a simple matter is made to look complex by man. And what should have been taken as a non-issue is made to be an issue by man.
When I say "man" I also include woman. It is man that is creating a lot of problems for himself.
But funny enough we can see that even if a man decides not to marry, he cannot say he has nothing to do with a woman in whatever form. In the same vein, if a woman decides not to marry, she cannot say she has nothing to do with a man in whatever relationship. That is why you still see single ladies having children. It is still men that make them pregnant. That proves to us that the purpose of God in creating man and woman is a perfect one.
Experience has shown that the problems emanating from marriages seem to be unending, surfacing from time to time in different ways and from different families, and from the surveys conducted, many of the problems seem to lie unsolved or they are swept under the carpet. Thus making many spouses to be suffering in silence just for there to be peace especially in African environment.
This leads us to various complaints that husbands make about their wives. I will touch them one by one here so that wives should take note and make adjustments and changes where necessary. Wives also have their own complaints about their husbands but let us discuss first what husbands complain about their wives.
But we should take note that not every woman is guilty of the complaints made against them.
Below are the major complaints of husbands against their wives:
1. Making and keeping bad friends.
Many husbands attribute certain actions, attitudes and behaviors of their wives to making and keeping bad friends.
They complain that their wives that had been good initially, suddenly changed and became different persons altogether. Their characters have changed. Their behaviors and attitudes have changed due to bad advice from friends they keep. As a matter of fact, women are said to be easily vulnerable to swaying to outside influence. They are easily convinced. Because of that nature in them, you see them taking advice from bad friends. Even in fashion and dressing, they easily copy from their fellow women without knowing the motives behind certain fashions and the consequences of such.
Wives should avoid keeping bad friends. If a wife must keep friends, they must be friends of good repute, friends that give them good advice on how to live peacefully with their husbands and their family in general. They should make friends that advise them to be loyal to their husbands.
2. Love and care for their extended family members. (Extended family system is more pronounced in Africa).
It is not in dispute that most wives in this type of family system show more love to their own extended family members more than the family members of their husbands.
This is one of the complaints of many husbands against their wives. Salaries and incomes of many wives, they say, are meant exclusively for their extended family members only, even to the detriment of their own nuclear families.
They see no reason why they should extend their largesse to the extended family of their husbands even if they are dying. Yet they claim they love their husbands. Many wives would even like to bring in their own extended family members to live with them, but would not want any members from their husbands' extended families to come to them. They will give better attention, better food to their own relatives, but not to their husbands' relatives.
Wives should take note that this attitude is not godly no matter the excuses adduced. It shows lack of love for their husbands. You would not say you love your husband, yet you hate his relatives or extended family members.
3. Uncleanliness and Disorderliness.
Little things that matter are in most cases ignored either deliberately or out of ignorance. That is how it is with many wives, as their husbands complain. They ignore their appearances in the house not minding how their husbands feel. Many wives, because they are now married and probably have got children, see no need to keep clean anymore. They see no need to keep attracting their husbands again and in so doing become repulsive and unattractive to their husbands.
Thus, driving away their husbands away from them, probably without even realizing what they are doing. Their attention will now be focused on their children with little or none to their husbands as if their children are only what they come for in the marriage. But when their husbands begin to stay away from them to another women because of their unattractive posture, they would begin to complain.
Some wives keep their houses in disorder and untidy.
No husband would like to see his house in disorder and untidy. No husband would like to see his wife unclean or dirty.
Wives should know that keeping themselves clean and tidy and well dressed, will attract the interest and attention of their husbands, but keeping themselves unclean and untidy will be repulsive to their husbands.
4. Unnecessary Suspicion of husbands over money matters and opposite sex.
Many husbands complain that their wives suspect them unnecessarily over money matters and over opposite sex. They claim that most of the suspicions are uncalled for. Their wives' reasons for suspecting them are that they, as their husbands, might be using their money for their own relatives alone, or for womanizing, for gambling, for pools betting, for alcoholic drinks and other generous gifts they give to other people, especially the opposite sex. They suspect them when they greet some of the opposite sex they are acquainted with, whom their wives may or might not know very well.
Their husbands are saying that even when their wives know that they don't womanize, nor take alcohol nor move any how, yet they still suspect them unnecessarily.
Their wives don't want them to spend for their own (husbands') relatives. They don't want them to spend for those who are in need or for those who need their help. They attribute this attitude to selfishness on the part of their wives.
Wives should understand that no man is an island. And no family is an island either. "Do unto others as you would want others to do for you," says the scriptures. If you don't want your husband to help those who may need your help, when the table turns against you, nobody will help you.
Unnecessary suspicion of husbands over money matters and opposite sex should by all means be avoided or stopped.
5. Betting with sex and lack of response to romantic approaches.
Many husbands complain about their wives betting with sex. That is, telling their husbands that unless they do one thing or the other for them or unless they buy one thing or the other for them, there would be no sex with their husbands, thereby using what belongs to the husband for betting. They forget that this type of action or attitude puts their husbands into temptation and frustration. They also forget that their bodies now belong wholly to their husbands. They also forget the Biblical injunction in 1 Corinthians 7: 4-5a which says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time" (King James Version).
This means that wives should note that their bodies are now for their husbands and should not use them for betting.
Another worrisome attitude or behavior, according to some husbands, is the situation where many wives would not respond to the romantic approaches of their husbands. When their husbands' hands touch them, they would behave as if their husbands' hands are full of thorns. Sometimes they would push their husbands away with all seriousness. And this causes frustration to their husbands. This is not only frustrating, but also annoying and is capable of driving their husbands away from their homes. Further still, while in bed with their husbands, some wives would stay like logs of wood when having sex with their husbands. There would not be appropriate responses to their husbands touches which are expected from them. This makes many husbands to suffer in silence.
This is a very serious matter that wives should not allow to continue. By doing this you are driving your husbands away from you and your families. You are driving them away to other women.
6. Nagging.
Nagging can be frustrating. Nagging can be repulsive. Nagging can drive a husband away from his wife. Nagging is a disease that can eat away the happiness and joy of spouses. Nagging can cause marriage breakdowns. It can strain spouses' relationships.
What is nagging?
Nagging is the act of complaining about or criticizing or worrying somebody continuously and in the process gets his or her mind hurt.
Nagging is said to be common among women although some women allege that their husbands do also nag. Many husbands have complained bitterly about their wives' nagging. Nagging does not breed love; rather it breeds hatred. Many wives claim that nagging is not without a cause. They try to justify their nagging by saying that it is their husbands' refusal to change for better that make them to nag. Although what they are saying may be true, that does not justify their nagging.
It is argued that the manner of approach matters and that wives should adopt appropriate ways of approaching their husbands for a change such as dialogues and bed talks.
There are other complaints of husbands against their wives but the ones enumerated and explained above are the major ones, according to the survey carried out.
Wives should therefore study them, take note of them and make some positive and appropriate changes. [http://www.happylifebooks.com] http://beneficialproductsmarketing.blogspot.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-Complaints-Husbands-Have-About-Their-Wives---Survey-Results&id=6372924] What Complaints Husbands Have About Their Wives - Survey Results
God who established this age-long relationship called marriage did not make any mistake. Rather He saw the rich benefits and made this relationship to exist. Whatever that has been going wrong in this relationship is the fault of man. God knows what is good for His creations. It is the fall of Adam that brought complexities in man such that what should have been a simple matter is made to look complex by man. And what should have been taken as a non-issue is made to be an issue by man.
When I say "man" I also include woman. It is man that is creating a lot of problems for himself.
But funny enough we can see that even if a man decides not to marry, he cannot say he has nothing to do with a woman in whatever form. In the same vein, if a woman decides not to marry, she cannot say she has nothing to do with a man in whatever relationship. That is why you still see single ladies having children. It is still men that make them pregnant. That proves to us that the purpose of God in creating man and woman is a perfect one.
Experience has shown that the problems emanating from marriages seem to be unending, surfacing from time to time in different ways and from different families, and from the surveys conducted, many of the problems seem to lie unsolved or they are swept under the carpet. Thus making many spouses to be suffering in silence just for there to be peace especially in African environment.
This leads us to various complaints that husbands make about their wives. I will touch them one by one here so that wives should take note and make adjustments and changes where necessary. Wives also have their own complaints about their husbands but let us discuss first what husbands complain about their wives.
But we should take note that not every woman is guilty of the complaints made against them.
Below are the major complaints of husbands against their wives:
1. Making and keeping bad friends.
Many husbands attribute certain actions, attitudes and behaviors of their wives to making and keeping bad friends.
They complain that their wives that had been good initially, suddenly changed and became different persons altogether. Their characters have changed. Their behaviors and attitudes have changed due to bad advice from friends they keep. As a matter of fact, women are said to be easily vulnerable to swaying to outside influence. They are easily convinced. Because of that nature in them, you see them taking advice from bad friends. Even in fashion and dressing, they easily copy from their fellow women without knowing the motives behind certain fashions and the consequences of such.
Wives should avoid keeping bad friends. If a wife must keep friends, they must be friends of good repute, friends that give them good advice on how to live peacefully with their husbands and their family in general. They should make friends that advise them to be loyal to their husbands.
2. Love and care for their extended family members. (Extended family system is more pronounced in Africa).
It is not in dispute that most wives in this type of family system show more love to their own extended family members more than the family members of their husbands.
This is one of the complaints of many husbands against their wives. Salaries and incomes of many wives, they say, are meant exclusively for their extended family members only, even to the detriment of their own nuclear families.
They see no reason why they should extend their largesse to the extended family of their husbands even if they are dying. Yet they claim they love their husbands. Many wives would even like to bring in their own extended family members to live with them, but would not want any members from their husbands' extended families to come to them. They will give better attention, better food to their own relatives, but not to their husbands' relatives.
Wives should take note that this attitude is not godly no matter the excuses adduced. It shows lack of love for their husbands. You would not say you love your husband, yet you hate his relatives or extended family members.
3. Uncleanliness and Disorderliness.
Little things that matter are in most cases ignored either deliberately or out of ignorance. That is how it is with many wives, as their husbands complain. They ignore their appearances in the house not minding how their husbands feel. Many wives, because they are now married and probably have got children, see no need to keep clean anymore. They see no need to keep attracting their husbands again and in so doing become repulsive and unattractive to their husbands.
Thus, driving away their husbands away from them, probably without even realizing what they are doing. Their attention will now be focused on their children with little or none to their husbands as if their children are only what they come for in the marriage. But when their husbands begin to stay away from them to another women because of their unattractive posture, they would begin to complain.
Some wives keep their houses in disorder and untidy.
No husband would like to see his house in disorder and untidy. No husband would like to see his wife unclean or dirty.
Wives should know that keeping themselves clean and tidy and well dressed, will attract the interest and attention of their husbands, but keeping themselves unclean and untidy will be repulsive to their husbands.
4. Unnecessary Suspicion of husbands over money matters and opposite sex.
Many husbands complain that their wives suspect them unnecessarily over money matters and over opposite sex. They claim that most of the suspicions are uncalled for. Their wives' reasons for suspecting them are that they, as their husbands, might be using their money for their own relatives alone, or for womanizing, for gambling, for pools betting, for alcoholic drinks and other generous gifts they give to other people, especially the opposite sex. They suspect them when they greet some of the opposite sex they are acquainted with, whom their wives may or might not know very well.
Their husbands are saying that even when their wives know that they don't womanize, nor take alcohol nor move any how, yet they still suspect them unnecessarily.
Their wives don't want them to spend for their own (husbands') relatives. They don't want them to spend for those who are in need or for those who need their help. They attribute this attitude to selfishness on the part of their wives.
Wives should understand that no man is an island. And no family is an island either. "Do unto others as you would want others to do for you," says the scriptures. If you don't want your husband to help those who may need your help, when the table turns against you, nobody will help you.
Unnecessary suspicion of husbands over money matters and opposite sex should by all means be avoided or stopped.
5. Betting with sex and lack of response to romantic approaches.
Many husbands complain about their wives betting with sex. That is, telling their husbands that unless they do one thing or the other for them or unless they buy one thing or the other for them, there would be no sex with their husbands, thereby using what belongs to the husband for betting. They forget that this type of action or attitude puts their husbands into temptation and frustration. They also forget that their bodies now belong wholly to their husbands. They also forget the Biblical injunction in 1 Corinthians 7: 4-5a which says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time" (King James Version).
This means that wives should note that their bodies are now for their husbands and should not use them for betting.
Another worrisome attitude or behavior, according to some husbands, is the situation where many wives would not respond to the romantic approaches of their husbands. When their husbands' hands touch them, they would behave as if their husbands' hands are full of thorns. Sometimes they would push their husbands away with all seriousness. And this causes frustration to their husbands. This is not only frustrating, but also annoying and is capable of driving their husbands away from their homes. Further still, while in bed with their husbands, some wives would stay like logs of wood when having sex with their husbands. There would not be appropriate responses to their husbands touches which are expected from them. This makes many husbands to suffer in silence.
This is a very serious matter that wives should not allow to continue. By doing this you are driving your husbands away from you and your families. You are driving them away to other women.
6. Nagging.
Nagging can be frustrating. Nagging can be repulsive. Nagging can drive a husband away from his wife. Nagging is a disease that can eat away the happiness and joy of spouses. Nagging can cause marriage breakdowns. It can strain spouses' relationships.
What is nagging?
Nagging is the act of complaining about or criticizing or worrying somebody continuously and in the process gets his or her mind hurt.
Nagging is said to be common among women although some women allege that their husbands do also nag. Many husbands have complained bitterly about their wives' nagging. Nagging does not breed love; rather it breeds hatred. Many wives claim that nagging is not without a cause. They try to justify their nagging by saying that it is their husbands' refusal to change for better that make them to nag. Although what they are saying may be true, that does not justify their nagging.
It is argued that the manner of approach matters and that wives should adopt appropriate ways of approaching their husbands for a change such as dialogues and bed talks.
There are other complaints of husbands against their wives but the ones enumerated and explained above are the major ones, according to the survey carried out.
Wives should therefore study them, take note of them and make some positive and appropriate changes. [http://www.happylifebooks.com] http://beneficialproductsmarketing.blogspot.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-Complaints-Husbands-Have-About-Their-Wives---Survey-Results&id=6372924] What Complaints Husbands Have About Their Wives - Survey Results
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